Back to Basics: How to Connect With Other People

Today I thought it would be such a fun and needed thing to dive into how we are connecting with others right now.

I have seen a lot of people interacting with others online in strange ways. Lots of people selling things without even building any kind of know, like, and trust factor with people. A lot of people are struggling in general just how to make friends and connect with each other.

So I wanted to give some highlights from one of my favorite classic books "How to Win Friends and Influence People", by Dale Carnegie. This is a book that I purchased for $.25 about 10 years ago in a thrift store and I still pick it up from time to time. I want to touch on a few of the key points from the book.

The first section of the book is all about techniques how to handle people.

Principal 1:  Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. 

Dale says in the book instead of condemning people let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. Rather than criticizing, show tolerance and kindness, seek to learn more. My Dad used to always say "be kind to people you never know what they are going through". At times you may feel like someone is doing something weird or mean, but it's important to gain a better understanding first, rather than criticizing.

In his next principal he talks about how most people all want the same things. They want health and preservation of life, food, sleep, money and the things money will buy, life in the hereafter, sexual gratification, the well-being of our children, and a feeling of importance. That last one thing that most people don’t talk about is the longing to be great, the desire to be important. 

So Principle 2 is: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

This makes me stop and think about a leadership experience I had. I remember I was trying to really shift the culture with my team. I wanted to see a positive improvement in safety overall and rather than coaching or writing up any and all bad behavior. I shifted total focus the other way to recognition. Instead of reprimanding every bad thing I saw, I started rewarding and recognizing all the good things and good behaviors I saw.

All that recognition and celebration as a team, improved our safety culture and we actually one an award. It worked way better than addressing all the bad things. 

Remember this next time you want to change the culture or you want to build relationships in a positive way and move into a positive direction. Take time.... I can’t stress this enough to share recognition for the good things. Make it a priority.

Principal 3 is: Arouse in the other person and eager want. 

Many times when we coach clients and team members, we give them specific things to do, we don’t include them in some of the brainstorming and thought process, we think that everything needs to be done for them. But one of the biggest things when developing relationships with people, is you need to give the other person some ownership and you need to have them be involved in the process in order to really get inspired. 

In the book Dale gives an example of how a young girl does not want to eat oatmeal, however when her father let her make it just like her mom does, she felt proud and she felt more interested in it... in fact she ate the whole bowl proudly. So often, myself and so many other coaches try to do all things for other people, but one of the most effective and important things as a coach is to help lead people in the right direction but let them solve problems and figure things themselves. When someone is leaning on you for all things, you have not challenged them to problem solve and figure things out, trust me do this and you will help them grow and more engaged in the long run.

The next section is all about: six ways to make people like you.

In the first part of this section for Principal 1, Dale says: Become genuinely interested in other people. I love this because it is so simple, yet so hard for some people, to actually stop talking and start listening and becoming genuinely interested in the other person. 

This has actually been one of my biggest growth opportunities, I am a very forward thinker, I have a very creative brain and I’m a problem solver. Many times I found myself solving all the problems and speaking without listening enough. This even frustrated ME about myself.

 It has taken a lot of time, energy, and effort to tame this behavior in myself. But I will tell you when you meet someone who is able to sit back and listen and genuinely take an interest in you. It is the most refreshing and wonderful thing. Especially in these days, it is so easy to spot because it is so rare. 

I recently met a woman who has now become a very close, best friend. One of the reasons why we have become so close so quickly is her amazing ability to make me feel special and make me feel heard. We have formed a very close relationship in a short period of time. I acknowledge this in her and it helps me to stay in tune to this when I listen to her as well, because it is so impactful.

Principal 1: Is to Smile. 

Smiles are contagious and sometimes your smile can be like "sun breaking through the clouds". Also it’s also OK to laugh every once in a while, I can’t tell you how many people I have worked with lately, I hate to say it in the financial industry. Where I feel like the conversation is so stuffy and not fun. I feel like when you’re making big decisions especially financially you want to work with someone who is able to lighten up a little bit. I had someone actually make a comment to me because I was wearing a hat one day. As in "why are you wearing a hat, is it casual Friday?". Which kind of threw me off guard since I work from home and I love to be comfortable. I thought, does this person want me to wear a suit? On this zoom call from my home? It felt like a dig, but it reminded me to go back to the first principle I spoke about, "don't criticize, condemn or complain" because you know what, this financial person is required to show up at all times a certain way. So okay!?

Principal 3: Is remember that a persons name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Plain and simple remember names. You should be making this a priority. When you don't know someone's name it makes them feel less important and appreciated. 

Principal 4: Be a good listener. 

Encourage others to talk about themselves. I remember reading somewhere that if you can get someone to talk about themselves for at least 20 minutes I think, they will automatically like you. Meaning you’re not even saying a word you're just actively listening so that person is feeling heard. 

I know a lot of people who think the opposite if I just keep talking and talking and talking people were like me, a fun exercise to do is to actually zip your lips and ask the other person questions and let them talk. You will learn a lot and trust me this will do a lot more in building the relationship. There is even a list of like 36 questions to make people fall in love with you.... will share if I come across it again.

Principal 5: Talk in terms of the other persons interests. For example my husband loves to talk about sports. Although I do like sports, I know a fraction of what he knows about all the stats and records of players. It might not be my favorite conversation but I love talking to him about sports, because it is something that he loves... he just lights up. Within every conversation I learn something new, and we connect a little more on a subject that he loves as well.

Principal 6 is: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. 

So I'm going to wrap it up, there are a few more sections to the book, so you can pick up your own copy online or listen to it on audible. But to leave you today I think the most important things to remember when connecting with others are to:

1. Listen 
2. Be genuinely interested in other people, ask questions
3. Take the time to Recognize great things and good people (because it can be very rare)!

Hope you enjoyed today’s video!